So... Here it goes...
How do I start?....
How do I start?....
My last blog post was August 16, 2011. I had that post all ready to publish when I felt like Tyson was going to be coming soon because I wanted it to be the last post before Tyson was born. I expected the next post to be titled something like, "Meet Our Boy!" or something sweet like that and I expected the next day, August 17, to be the biggest day of my life. The most important day. The happiest day. And for 17 hours, it was. But then it wasn't. And that day, that happiness, all the joy that I had prepared for with all of you and within this blog, well it was ripped to shreds in an instant.
I think this is why it is hard to go back... back to this place where I so publicly shared all my happiness and excitement for a life that I was so sure was right around the corner. Honestly, every time I look at this blog I want to throw up. I see the girl in the bump pictures and I don't know her... I don't even like her. She is so happy, and so stupid. I hate her. I am jealous of her. I am sad for her... she has no idea what is about to happen. The worst of my emotions come out when I come back to this place, and I don't know why... I don't know if I am ready to know why. My therapist tells me I need to figure it out, and soon we are going to be starting to work through it all from the beginning. I am scared for this, but I guess it seems fitting since it has almost been a full year. I should be ready to talk about this by now right? I have to talk.
Some of you might wonder what I mean about talking. I "talk" all the time on facebook and on Tyson's page don't I? Yes, I do, but everything I say on there is is a representation of our family and Tyson, and if I am going to open up about my personal feelings, I try to keep it positive. It wasn't just to spare people from my darker thoughts, it was also because for the last year, I NEEDED to be positive. On days when I felt like the world was falling apart around me, coming up with a positive sentence to post on facebook to describe things would make me believe things were better. I would repeat the sentences in my mind over and over again... that positive spin on things became a way for me to stay hopeful. It helped me survive the months in the hospital and the craziness we went through there, but as the dust settles and I struggle to find my footing again, I know that something has to change. I think I have to face the sad stuff, or as my therapist says, "make peace with what happened". I have to go back in order to move forward. (When I typed that my inner child threw the biggest tantrum ever... I don't wanna!!!)
I need to open up a bit, and maybe that will happen here, maybe it will stay private inside my journals. My journals that I am supposed to be writing in yet remain completely blank. I am a bad therapy student. It might be cool to tell you the stories of a year ago that I wasn't able to tell at the time... my birth story was actually hilariously horrible and I never really got to tell anyone about it. That might be a fun start. Either way, I really want to get back to the blog... this place that used to be so happy for me. I am a different person now, but I want to find that side of me that thought it was a good idea to name a blog 'm+j=love'. I think it is ridiculous now, and I hate that. That girl in those pictures... that was me and she was happy and funny and could see the humor in an overly corny blog name. I was proud of the happiness Justin and I had... shit... do I feel guilt for being so happy before? So naive? Do I maybe think that I flaunted our happiness in a way that deserved a smack in the face from God? Is this why I hate the blog? I have to write this down in my journal! My therapist will be so proud. ANYWAYS>
So blog readers, whoever you are, meet the new side of Meg. The scattered, confused, scared, cynical, slightly cold, and very sad girl. It's part of who I am for now, and that is ok. I'm working on it. I don't have any answers. I have to have some questions first and that is where I am now... It's time to go back and ask some questions that I wasn't able to ask the first time around, and I hope that by sharing stories of a year ago, that I will be able to work some of that out. I am ready.
Ok blog, I officially hate you a little less. Thanks for listening.
Some of you might wonder what I mean about talking. I "talk" all the time on facebook and on Tyson's page don't I? Yes, I do, but everything I say on there is is a representation of our family and Tyson, and if I am going to open up about my personal feelings, I try to keep it positive. It wasn't just to spare people from my darker thoughts, it was also because for the last year, I NEEDED to be positive. On days when I felt like the world was falling apart around me, coming up with a positive sentence to post on facebook to describe things would make me believe things were better. I would repeat the sentences in my mind over and over again... that positive spin on things became a way for me to stay hopeful. It helped me survive the months in the hospital and the craziness we went through there, but as the dust settles and I struggle to find my footing again, I know that something has to change. I think I have to face the sad stuff, or as my therapist says, "make peace with what happened". I have to go back in order to move forward. (When I typed that my inner child threw the biggest tantrum ever... I don't wanna!!!)
I need to open up a bit, and maybe that will happen here, maybe it will stay private inside my journals. My journals that I am supposed to be writing in yet remain completely blank. I am a bad therapy student. It might be cool to tell you the stories of a year ago that I wasn't able to tell at the time... my birth story was actually hilariously horrible and I never really got to tell anyone about it. That might be a fun start. Either way, I really want to get back to the blog... this place that used to be so happy for me. I am a different person now, but I want to find that side of me that thought it was a good idea to name a blog 'm+j=love'. I think it is ridiculous now, and I hate that. That girl in those pictures... that was me and she was happy and funny and could see the humor in an overly corny blog name. I was proud of the happiness Justin and I had... shit... do I feel guilt for being so happy before? So naive? Do I maybe think that I flaunted our happiness in a way that deserved a smack in the face from God? Is this why I hate the blog? I have to write this down in my journal! My therapist will be so proud. ANYWAYS>
So blog readers, whoever you are, meet the new side of Meg. The scattered, confused, scared, cynical, slightly cold, and very sad girl. It's part of who I am for now, and that is ok. I'm working on it. I don't have any answers. I have to have some questions first and that is where I am now... It's time to go back and ask some questions that I wasn't able to ask the first time around, and I hope that by sharing stories of a year ago, that I will be able to work some of that out. I am ready.
Ok blog, I officially hate you a little less. Thanks for listening.
Welcome back, Meg. Your blog readers will love the "new" Meg just as much as the one from before. No comment of mine will help you come to terms with all you've been through, so I'll just leave it at that. Hopefully here and through therapy the old you and the new you can meet in the middle and my prayer is that there is more joy in the aftermath than you could've ever imagined. Stay strong... you are so courageous and beautiful. Thanks for visiting this place again.
ReplyDeleteJust found your blog as I'm bored on the Internet at 2:45 AM. I recently started blogging too....
ReplyDeleteI guess I should tell you why I'm up at 3 in the morning... I was so touched by your little boy's story and the idea that something like this could happen to a happy, young, loving, couple. I felt guilty for taking things for granted in my own family. So in January, I started a new job with a a company called PSA as a pediatric home care nurse.
3 nights a week I have been taking care of a soon to be 3 year old little girl who was born with Down Syndrome, as well as congenital heart defects. She was not expected to live, and she had heart valve surgery at 2 months old. She spent months in the hospital. She got to come home when she was about 9 months old, and she turns 3 on Monday. She is a miracle and I feel so lucky that I get paid to work with her!
She has a trach, is on a ventilator at night, and has a MicKey button. She has a lot of developmental delays, but even in the 8 months I've known her she keeps improving.
I think about you and Justin and Tyson almost Everytime I'm at work! I am so glad to see he's improving too. He is a very strong and happy little boy (from the pictures I see!). I hope he continues to get better and better and he is so lucky to have a mom like you.